President Obama Selects a Pocket Calculator

President Obama: “I need a calculator, and I’d like to get a good one. Do you have the models that talk and have artificial intelligence?

Clerk: Yes, Mr. President. We feature the Autoconglomerator Ultra Turbo 971B. It’s one of the best. We call it the Aut9 for short.

PO: Very good. I’d like to interview it to see if it meets my needs.

[Clerk turns on the Aut9 and presents it.]

Aut9: Good morning. How may I help you?

PO: Good morning. First I need to know if you can handle large numbers. Not just billions, but trillions. Many trillions.

Aut9: Yes sir. I have a patented “government mode” that handles quadrillions, without rounding off a penny.

PO: Very good. That will handle two terms … I think. How about empathy?

Aut9: Empathy?

PO: 95% of the time I want straight calculator answers. But sometimes we will be facing very difficult problems where it is important to understand my needs and the needs of every American to arrive at answers that are both satisfying and fulfilling.

Aut9: I feel your pain. That feature is included. Press the “Government” mode key. Then select “3” to get the “Liberal Politician” option.

PO: That sounds good, but does it limit the empathy level to only 5%?

Aut9: Don’t worry. In that mode, I always care. 5% is just the default answer I am programmed to give when asked.

Clerk: There is also a network interface so all the Aut9’s on your team will produce the same empathetic results.

PO: Well, that wraps it up! Consistent empathy is critical. My staff will contact you about price and delivery. We will need many units.

Clerk: Sir, you understand that I cannot use empathy in computing the price.

PO: That’s unfortunate, but we run into that all the time. It’s okay.

Aut9: Thank you, sir. I won’t disappoint. I really care — at least when that mode is selected.

PO: Good. I must go now. I need to select a Supreme Court judge.

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One Comment on “President Obama Selects a Pocket Calculator”

  1. On the Money Says:

    British version is the “UKOK – 0”!

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